Feels Like the First Time Read online

  Chapter 9

  Later that day, Hawk dropped off the last of the glasses that he’d rented for the party and started prepping for happy hour. He’d spent most of the past two days at the Bay View house, repainting the kitchen.

  Located on the outskirts of Destiny Bay, and overlooking the Pacific, sat fifty acres of some of the most sought-after hard cider apples in the state, and the house that held more happy childhood memories for Hawk than his own. He’d been lucky enough to spend his summers here, with Luke’s family. Those days and that land helped mold him into the man he’d become. So when Luke had the chance to buy the property last fall, Hawk jumped in and became an equal owner in the property with Luke and Luke’s mom.

  Only, Paula wasn’t interested in moving that far out of town. Then Luke had to go and fall in love with Kennedy, get down on one knee and the whole works, leaving Hawk to take care of the place.

  Not that he minded. He could spend the rest of his life on that property, yet every time he thought about packing up and moving in full time, he came up with another reason to hold off. He’d told himself it was because he’d needed to get the place fixed up first. Even though the previous owners had kept the property a working orchard, no one had lived in the house since Luke’s dad passed away and they’d been forced to sell it ten years ago.

  An inspection three months ago showed the structure was sound, but it needed new flooring, new paint, and a thorough cleaning. All things that he could have been working on over the winter months when the cider business was at its slowest. But Hawk had a feeling that his procrastination when it came to leaving his apartment above the bar had more to do with the brunette across the parking lot than remodeling.

  He’d spent Monday ripping up the carpet in the front room, exposing some amazing hardwood floors. And yesterday, repainting the walls a bold but warm shade of gray. He’d been so busy he’d had zero time in his day to think about Ali.

  Or how that kiss had been a game changer. In fact, he’d been too busy to even replay how she’d turned from hard-ass to playing grab ass in one touch.

  At night, though, those images ran free. Including the one of the look on her face when Bridget interrupted them. And how her shy smile crumbled under the tension.

  It shouldn’t haunt him the way it had. But man, there was something about Ali and that sad fucking smile of hers that tore at his gut every time. Made him want to dig deep and find out where all of that sadness came from. But he had a feeling he already knew.

  And it wasn’t just her family who was to blame for the heartache in her life. Something he intended on changing. Ali’s life had been filled with sacrifice and disappointments, and he refused to be another person to let her down.

  Sure, their reason for being together ended when the party was over and Bridget left for Seattle, but that didn’t mean Hawk was walking away. There had been a few rough moments the other night. Listening to Bridget talk about her hopes and her dreams and her new exciting chapter of family and forever. All of which didn’t include him.

  And it burned. He let it get to him and overshadow his time with Ali.

  It wasn’t until he got to Bay View that he realized he didn’t want to be a part of that life. Not the one Bridget had described. Maybe when he’d been younger—desperate for a place to call home. Now he knew what he wanted and he was proud of his life, the one he’d created for himself right here in Destiny Bay. He liked his bar, and his friends, and he sure as hell liked the idea of more time with Ali.

  First, though, he wanted to make sure she was okay. That they were okay. Dealing with her family was always hard on both of them, and the other night was no different. Except this time, he had some explaining to do.

  So two hours later, when Ali stormed into the bar, her hips swinging and eyes flashing, Hawk leaned against the counter and smiled.

  She wore a pair of show-stopping jean shorts, so short they barely peeked out from beneath an oversized T-shirt she was sporting. And that shirt was long-sleeved, hung off one shoulder, nicely showcasing a bathing suit strap that tied around her neck. Which was sky blue, matched her eyes and the confetti stuck to her delectable backside, and was designed to come apart in a single tug.

  “What’s all that?” he asked as if he didn’t already know.

  “You tell me?” Ali plopped onto the bar stool, bright-colored debris raining down around her.

  Hawk reached out and plucked a piece of metallic confetti out of her hair. “Looks like some incredibly thoughtful and charming person put a lot of time into decorating your place.”

  “I turned on the ceiling fan and the room exploded in confetti and glitter,” she said. “One whirl of the blades and it blew all over my apartment.”

  “Did it stick to the bouquet of chocolate cake pops?”

  “I picked it off,” she said, and even though she was acting all put out, Hawk knew the gesture had made her smile. Brought her back to a comfortable place with their relationship.

  That’s what he’d wanted. For her to know she was celebrated, without having to deal with the expectations that came with everyone watching. Or the uncertainty of where they stood.

  Flowers would have led to more questions, but confetti and cake pops said she was understood.

  “You ignore me for two days, then confetti-bomb my house.” To make her point, she shook her head and more bits of bright paper fell like snowflakes.

  “Don’t forget the cake pops.” He reached out and slid his finger along her lower lip, catching a leftover crumb. “Did you leave any for me?”

  “Nope,” she said, popping the p, but he couldn’t help noticing the strain beneath that tough-girl vibe she was working so hard to give off.

  “Good thing I bought backup.” Hawk reached under the counter and pulled out a pink box filled with more cake pops and set it on the counter. She reached for them, but he pulled them out of reach. “They’re celebratory cake pops, to be shared with someone special.”

  “Does that mean you’re not avoiding me anymore?” she asked, her eyes on the box, her body dialed to vulnerable as hell.

  Hawk felt like a jerk. Ali hadn’t been mad about his disappearing act, she’d been hurt—and worried.

  For him.

  He’d figured her withdrawal at the party had something to do with their kiss, but looking at her now, the shy way she was avoiding his gaze, he realized it had everything to do with what happened after the kiss.

  “I just needed some time to process,” he said honestly. “In a space that didn’t smell of signature cocktails and mixed signals.”

  Still looking at the box, she said, “You could have told me that.”

  “I could have, and next time I will,” he promised earnestly. “But, sunshine, I don’t remember my phone ringing either. Not even when you found out the good news.”

  Those expressive eyes of hers darted up, and then down to the box, as a faint blush tinted her cheeks.

  Yeah, it takes two to successfully avoid someone in this town.

  “How did you hear?” she finally asked.

  “You mean besides Loraine running down Main Street, waving the envelope around, and screaming, ‘She got it, she got it!’? Your dad called to tell me the good news, so I came into town to congratulate you. You weren’t there.”

  “I was with my dad and Bridget,” she said, watching for his reaction to the news.

  It was the same reaction he’d had when Marty dropped that bomb on him earlier. Bitter resentment. Apparently she and Ali had gotten into some kind of heated argument. Marty didn’t say what the topic was, but Hawk had a pretty good idea he was at the heart of it. And he was one unexpected appearance away from reminding Bridget of exactly what terms she’d agreed to in the divorce.

  That Destiny Bay was his town.

  “My dad took us sailing,” Ali said.

  Which explained the sunbathing, the sun-kissed skin, and look of utter exhaustion on her face. Balancing the line between letting Marty live his life and m
aking sure Marty had a life to live was difficult. It was as unpredictable as running across the ice in church shoes. But every day Ali laced up and stepped onto the ice, knowing that she was going to wind up skating in circles or flat on her ass.

  Yet he’d never once heard her complain. Not even when he knew she had to be at the end of her rope.

  “So let me guess. You talked doctors’ orders and fishing lures on your big day.” Man, she deserved more. “I bet there wasn’t even a burger on the premises.”

  She cracked a small smile. “Does low-sodium turkey jerky count?”

  “Even worse than I thought.” He leaned in, and placed his hand on hers. “Want to talk about it?”

  “God no.” She clunked her head down on the countertop. “I am so talked out, stressed out, argued out, familied out. Sometimes I just want…” She met his gaze, hers horrified and filled with regret. “Out. Does that make me sound like a horrible person?”

  “No, sunshine. It makes you human.” A side of her she rarely allowed people to see. She was too busy proving she had everything handled. “We all need a break every once in a while.”

  “Even you?”

  God, the hero worship in her voice had him wanting to be the kind of man who was deserving. “Even me.”

  “It’s been so long since I’ve had a break, I wouldn’t even know where to go,” she said and the wistfulness he heard in her voice drew him in.

  Hawk had lots of breaks in his life. Good and bone shattering. But for every painful break that life had dealt him, there was a silver lining right around the corner. His dad hadn’t given a shit about him, but Luke’s parents had stepped in and offered him the kind of childhood and foundation most kids could only dream of. And sure, his marriage to Bridget hadn’t worked out, but he’d experienced love, in all of its forms, and walked away from the divorce with more people to call family.

  And for a guy who, up until age ten, could count his family members with a single finger, usually the middle one, that meant something.

  But Ali? She had too many people placing their happiness on her shoulders for her to even see the silver lining. Something Hawk was more determined than ever to change.

  “Good thing I know the perfect place.”

  She looked at him for so long, he thought she was going to shoot him down. But then she smiled. “Fine, but if you tell me it’s in your pants, I’m out.”

  “Sunshine, you couldn’t handle what’s in my pants.” With a wink, he pulled a to-go bag out from under the heating rack, and a bottle of cold hard cider out from under the counter.

  “What’s that?”

  Hawk pulled out his phone and scrolled through his texts to find Luke’s thread. His thumbs flew across the screen at lightning speed.

  Can you handle the bar tonight? Great, thanks. BTW, your burger order got lost…in my belly.

  “Dinner,” he said, walking around the counter and taking the basket in one hand, the other resting low on her back. We’ll pick up the rest on the way out of town,”

  “What are you doing?” She swatted his hand away.

  “Man, you really are bad at this.” He handed her the cider. “In order to ‘get out,’ you actually have to leave. So this is us leaving.”

  She studied him quietly, her lost expression drawing him in and taking him under. “Why would you do that?”

  “Take you out?” Jesus, she tore his heart apart. “Because it’s what a good boyfriend does?”

  “We’re not dating anymore, party’s over. Remember?”

  Oh, he remembered all right. He remembered just how amazing that kiss was, and how good it felt to finally give in. He’d been circling around his feelings for Ali for so long, he was dizzy with want. And frustration.

  He also remembered how thrown he’d felt when she’d distanced herself from him at the party. And what an idiot he’d been when he’d walked her home and given her that chaste kiss on the cheek, as if they were two friends returning from a fun night of playing pool and shooting the shit.

  When their night had been anything but.

  So yeah, he’d made her a promise that nothing would change between them, and he intended to honor that. Right up until Ali realized that she wanted more. Because not only was he done with letting his past control his future…

  Hawk was done circling.

  “Okay, well, then how about this is what kissing friends do,” he said, slinging an arm around her shoulders.

  “We are not kissing friends,” she said quietly.

  “Sure we are.” He steered her off the chair and toward the door. “We are friends who kissed, meaning we’re kissing friends. Now, watch your step,” he said as he all but shoved her through the door of the bar. “We still have to drop by Burger Barn and pick up dinner, then make it to our destination before sunset.”

  “You said that was dinner.” She paused, her eyes bright with humor. “Wait, are you admitting that Burger Barn serves a better burger?”

  “Hell no.” He placed their dinner in the leather saddle bag on his motorcycle, then grabbed his extra helmet. “But you seem to think they are better, and tonight is about you.”

  “Then what’s in the to-go box?”

  “Two of my world-famous Blue and Blackhawk burgers.”

  She straddled his bike, and holy hell, those shorts did amazing things for her ass. “What happened to tonight being about me?”

  “Sunshine, tonight is about you. And as your kissing friend, it is my job to ensure the best night, even if your taste in burgers needs to be challenged.” He slid the helmet over her head and climbed on the bike. “Now hold on, we’ve got a sunset to catch.”

  * * *

  Hawk told himself to take it slow, there were a lot of twists and turns ahead, and if he wasn’t careful, he’d careen right into dangerous territory.

  Ali had been suspiciously quiet the entire ride. As they’d made the descent down the narrow path to a bluff, which sat right above the wave break and below Bay View, he could feel the frustration and ache roll off her and crash into him, like the tide slamming against the rocks. That didn’t mean she hadn’t snuggled so close against him that her body was shrink-wrapped to his, or that she objected when he took her hand the second they arrived.

  In fact, she seemed to need the contact. And Hawk didn’t mind providing it.

  He watched her toes wiggle in the seafoam as they sat on the dock and stared at the tiny islands jetting out of the Pacific water. Her red-tipped feet, and the cute silver ring circling one of her toes, disappeared under the high tide as it swelled—and something raw and wild swelled within him.

  She was thinking so hard, he could smell the gears burning. He’d given her an opening to talk about what happened, but every time he even circled close to serious, she changed the subject, or ate another cake pop. Not that he minded—watching her lick the icing off her lips was an activity he could watch for hours.

  But if he had any chance to make tonight about more than just chemistry, then he’d need to have some kind of conscious thought process available to him. They needed to talk about Bridget, the kiss, and where they were going.

  The faster Hawk got the first two out of way, the faster they’d get to the last, which was a topic he had strong opinions on.

  Ali pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Between the micro-mini-shorts, and her soft blue top, she appeared small and unexpectedly fragile.

  “I can hear your smug smile all the way over here,” she said, taking the last bite of her cake pop.

  “This one?” He flashed her a grin. “I can barely hear it over all of that moaning you did when scarfing down my burger.”

  Ali shot him a glace, a penetrating flash of ocean blue. “I wasn’t moaning.”

  “Sunshine, the fish poked their heads out to see what was going on.” She nudged him with her shoulder and he nudged her back until she smiled, then he took her hand in his.

  She looked down at their intertwined fingers. “
Too bad no one is around to see this sweet moment.”

  “Huh, you’re right. I hadn’t noticed.” He tightened his grip.

  Her smile went shy and she looked out at the water, but she didn’t let go. “So this is where you come to get away?”

  Hawk looked behind him at the farmhouse in the near distance, the endless hills of apple trees speckled with white flowers, and a calming sense of rightness washed over him. “Yup, been coming here since I was twelve.”

  “Did you come here with Luke and his parents?”

  “To this property, yeah. To this spot on the bluff, no. This was my secret place, and they knew when I came down here, it was to think.”

  She rested her cheek on her bent knee. “And what did twelve-year-old Hawk think about? Hockey, girls, Jenny Snider’s boobs?”

  Hawk laughed. “Every red-blooded male in high school thought nonstop about Jenny Snider’s boobs; they didn’t need a special place to do it.” Knowing that in order to get her to open up, he had to share a part of himself first, he got serious. “My mom brought me here when I was a kid. During low tide we’d look at all of the little critters hiding in the rocks.”

  “My dad and I used to do that up in Sunrise Cove. We’d pack a lunch and spend an entire afternoon poking around the tide pools, spelunking, collecting shells and sea glass, then we’d come home and decorate stuff with the treasures we’d found.”

  Hawk tried to picture what a pig-tailed Ali would have looked like, tromping around in the tide pools, giving the crabs and guppies a scare. He chuckled, because he imagined it would look a lot like what she did for her art, only she was smaller.

  “We collected shells, too. My mom would tell me that every day the tide would carry out things ready to spread their fins and explore, and bring in new critters, looking for a safe place to land.”

  “It must have been hard, losing her so young,” Ali said, with soft understanding in her voice.

  His mom never had the chance to explore, nor had she ever found her safe place to land. She’d been married young, had him young, and died young. She’d always said he was her biggest adventure.